Chapter 24
The Journey of the New China (communism version)
1, Stay Together with Mei-Mei
About I sleeping at brother’s living-room, though Danjin repeatedly expressed his “sorry”; I also repeatedly said “no problem”, but in reality there was some problem, after all that was a living room, a room for everybody, no privacy, and not convenient, for me or anyone in the family. Of course, a large portion of the “inconvenient” was an excuse that because I wanted to move out staying with Mei-Mei for a while. Mei-Mei, of course said “it is a no great place, you are welcome as long as you don’t mind.” Therefore I packed up my things and got a taxi to the Mei-Mei’s place.
As soon as I brought my things into Mei-Mei’s place she said to me “make you self at home. It means I will not treat you as a guest.” I thought to “make somebody at home” was just some usually courtesy words, but Mei-Mei was not just words, she meant that. So from then I had to worry my everyday living, for instance going to an open market buying food, to rely on my own judgment if the meat was not water injected, vegetables were not covered full of pesticide; then to bring the food back home, if I could call it “home”, I would have to cook for Mei-Mei too, as well as wash her clothes. The life of us two was not so colorful or romantic, but felt somewhat simple and peaceful. However, unfortunately our sex life also became simple and less excited. Maybe because I was divorced, my legal status became a bachelor again, therefore the relationship between us was no longer “having-an-affair” but a legal cohabitation. But wait a minute, was non-marital cohabitation a legitimate relationship? In short, the sex life of ours was no longer as stimulating and tasty as when we were having a fair.
Mei-Mei went to work every day. Sometimes I got really bored, thought about going out to visit some of my former colleagues and friends in the music field. But every time before I went out I felt embarrassed, as I was so afraid what people would think of me if they found out I, used to be the concertmaster, supposed to be the best violinist in town, but then not only playing in no symphony orchestras, gained no Oscar nor Nobel Prize, on the contrary diverted into a self-employed small shop owner and craftsman in a foreign country. However, what I did not know was the whole world had changed. What I worried was just my outdated prejudice. In reality people all became more and more realistic and practical. To make money had become the priority. Very different from the past, my colleagues was not staying at home practicing, but out to work, teaching, running to give performances from place to place. If they had known the scale of money making of mine, might be very much envious!
I was not the only one who changed my life course due to other reasons, might be the best psychological comfort and balance for me
2, A Significant Dialogue between Aunt and Father
My aunt was on behalf of father's family coming from far away to see father therefore naturally she visited the hospital every day. When they sister and brother were together, what could they talk? of course family bagatelles, such as things concerning uncle Din, most likely things about me the most.
Father said to aunt “I knew for a long time ago that my disease has no hope. I endured all the pain to keep me alive was because I thought my body could contribute to the scientific research for the country and people. But until recently I realized that it seems the science does not really value my body much. As this is the case, I have done all what I could for my Party, my country and people, I do not really need to suffer so much just to keep alive, perhaps end earlier the better…”
Aunt cut off her brother and said “my big brother, apart from your Party your country and your people, have you ever thought about to do something, may be just a little for your own family when you are still alive? A quick death, that’s easy, and happy for you perhaps, but a bit selfish. Don’t you think so?”
Father looked a little surprised. He added “I thought if I die, not only I don’t suffer any longer, but also reduce the burden to the family, and save all the trouble for everyone. How could you call it being selfish?”
To bring her point out aunt explained “you only see things from your own view point. (Is that the way all party members do?) But the whole fact is, your family members are willing to pay for the cost and willing to take all the trouble, as far as you can be with the family, a day longer the better. For you could live a day longer we all worship to the Buddha, to God. If you could see that what we are thinking, you should bear the pain and live longer.”
After aunt finished her talking father opened his mouth but no words came out. Aunt saw her words made her point she talked forwards a little “Also, as a father, have you ever thought to leave something to your children?”
This time father responded very quickly “what are you thinking your brother is? Corrupted official? I worked for the party, had a very honest simple life, what could I leave to them.” Father paused, raised his hand indicating aunt not to interrupt, and he went on “Besides, now the kids have everything, especially Danjiu, needs nothing, nothing from me at all.”
Aunt seized the opportunity to get a quickly interruption “Brother, you're right, now Danjiu may have everything he need except one thing, and for that one thing you are the only one in this world can give him.” Aunt stopped there.
"What was that one thing you are talking about?" My father got impatient and couldn’t help asking.
“Hahaha” aunt laughed, and explained “fatherly love, You tell me who else can give to your children fatherly love except you?” Seeing father did not give an immediately augment she went on “suppose you are right that your body is useless for your Party and country, but have you thought to use your useless body to do something useful for your son.”
Father laughed a bit with sadness he said helplessly “Don’t be so sarcastic. You see I had to be in bed all the time, nothing I could do for myself, even going to the toilet, what can I do for my children?”
“Nothing, you don’t need to do anything, just keep you alive.” Aunt explained “One more day you can live, one more day Danjiu could feel the importance of his existence to you. I mean to make him feel how important he is to his father. In a way, this is what you can do for your son. This is also what I meant ‘not to be, may be easy and happy but selfish’. Therefore my dear brother, I’m afraid you might have to go on suffer from pain but keep alive, for as long as you could.”
Father smiled wordlessly. After a pause of meditation he said “If only to make Danjiu feel like a hero, and to meet his satisfaction or vanity of being successful and important, I guess I could put up with the pain. But if to let him use the shortcomings of current health care system to be the prove of the negation of our whole socialist system, that is tantamount to abandoning my political beliefs that I have fought for my whole life. It equals the negate of the value of my whole life. For that I simply can not do.”
Aunt sighed deeply, and almost desperately she pursued “for you, Danjiu has given up his life dream of becoming a world leading violinist. How come you are a Communist Party member, could not do things a small bourgeois did?”
Heard that father’s eyes were wide open staring at his sister while aunt intentionally avoided her brother’s eye contact. Both were aware that such a discussion could only go to extreme that would hurt brain and heart, therefore they both adopted the Deng Xiaoping’s “no debate” strategy. However, just before aunt about to leave she asked father a question that I always wanted to ask for a few decays “yes, why you don’t like your son Danjiu by nature? Danjiu said when he was a boy he overheard you said that to your wife. Is that true you said that? And why?”
Father closed his eyes, did not reply, but went into a deep deep meditation…
Two weeks had passed. One day Panjie phoned me to go to the hospital to see father, and repeatedly explained it was by father’s request. Recalled the last meeting we had a huge argument due to different political views that worsened the relationship which was restored only recently with huge effort from my side, I sincerely determined, this time no matter what happens I would control myself, for the chance of showing my high attitude in front of father wouldn’t be very much left. As a real warrior who should not go on fighting his opponent when the opposite is already down to the ground.
Together with Panjie I went into father's ward. I had no chance to show my friendly attitude as father had taken the position away. He asked me to sit down. That was my greatest reluctance. Not because there were thorns on the small stool in front of his bed, but something worse, that was when I sat down, I would be very close to my father, actually too close to feel comfortable, and when I sat down, I would be embarrassed to get away from the small stool in a short period of time.
“Panjie, you sit down.” I tried to get away.
“Father specifically asked you to sit down, not me.” Panjie said as she pushed me down on the small stool. Then I understood that to let me sit there was planned. Like being rehearsed, as soon as I sat down father nodded to Panjie. She quickly and skillfully took a letter from father's pillow and handed it over to me.
“Read it, loudly.” father ordered. I looked at the Panjie for help while she had walked toward the door. That left me no choice but to pull a thick letter out from envelop. When I looked at Panjie again she had closed the door, from outside.
3, A True Communist View Point towards the New China
(Father Letter to Uncle Din)
Hi，Younger Din,
To have received your letter is beyond my expectation, a pleasant surprise. Just recently I’m also thinking of those things you mentioned in your letter. I wrote it down partly to answer you and also show my respect to you, as well we could ex-change ideas and do some re-thinking.
Indeed since 1946 I joined the revolution and walked away from home. The damage both emotionally and economically I did to the family, as the eldest son, is not forgivable. That I admit. However, I could never agree with you that what I've done was entirely a mistake; and your accusation of crime is far away from the reality. When we make a judgment of something we could not take it away from the historical background and social environment.
As a family letter Let me start from recalling how I got myself into the revolution. It was when I just entered Wuhan University studying English literature. In a sorority party I met your sister-in-law, my wife. By then she had already participated in the Party's underground activities. Her purpose coming to the sorority was to find more people joy the organization. I tell in love with her at first sight. In order to get closer to her, I found an excuse to borrow revolutionary books from her. As I said it was just an excuse, so be honestly in the beginning I was not interested in Marx and Lenin, only read a few pages to cope with questions from her. But she was very smart, every time when she lend books to me she would leave something in some pages, a hair of hers or a leaf from a tree, or some pencil marks. That forced me to read the whole book page by page. Gradually I began to be absorbed by the contents of the books, and started to consciously studying Max’s theory. In order not to affect my English studies, I found some English version of Marx and Engels’ books. Worried to be found, as by the time Marx’s books were forbidden I wrapped the cover with Shakespeare. I could still clearly remember one day one of the headmasters took my book in his hand, turned a few pages, obviously did not understand English but pretended he did understand, and said “that a very good book, I myself have read twice already.” Just like that I knuckled myself down studying the revolutionary books. I became so serious that even made my wife to be jealousy, saying I regarded the books more important than her.
I was in my early 20s, a young man of his adolescence, the period time of his political ideology formation. Marx's Das Kapital made me questioning the society system of Private Ownership.
Let us briefly recall the modern history of China: In the Qing Dynasty, many Chinese elites and intellectuals criticized the Manchu government, saying the poverty and backwardness of the country was the result of corruption, therefore the only way to enrich China was to overthrow the Qing Dynasty. As a result the Chinese people made a revolution and the Manchu government was overthrown. But the continuator of the Beiyang Government still could not bring China to be rich and strong. Therefore once again the Chinese people organized together to overthrow the Beiyang Government and established the Republic of China. But after decades of the rule of the government lead by the National People’s Party still could not avail China to be richer and stronger. The cruel fact gave me such an answer. That is the problem was not that the government was no good, but the Private Ownership social system was no good. Therefore the only way to make China richer and stronger was to overthrow the Private Ownership social system, and establish the Public Ownership social system.
The Three People's Principles (1, nationalism; 2, democracy; 3, people’s living) by National People’s Party was proposing to overthrow imperialism and feudal warlords, and establish a bourgeois democratic republic. However China was agricultural country therefore the bourgeoisie's strength was simply too weak.
It was Mao Zedong combined Marxism-Leninism with China's actual situation and created a series of theory about how to lead the Chinese revolution and establish the people's democratic dictatorship. This is what we call “Mao Zedong Thoughts”, and that is Chairman Mao's greatest contribution to the Chinese people and Chinese revolution.
Different from the majority of poor people who participated the revolution simply for the purpose of overthrow landlords and tyrants to get some land for a better life, I, like many intellectuals and elites took part into the revolution was because we understood and believed the theory of Socialist Public Ownership was scientific and advanced that would lead China to the inevitable direction of human development. In short, it was because I believed Mao Zedong Thoughts and the great Chinese Communist Party being correct I joined the Party and put my whole heart into the Chinese revolution. The Chinese Communist Party’s going up and the decline of the People’s National Party after World War II proved the correctness of my choice.
As I had chosen my side with the proletariat class I did feel shameful for our family by the time. Although our father was not a big landlord, but after all “self-employed & small-land-renting” does not belong to the worker-peasant’s class, not the revolutionary class, therefore for transform me into a true Bolshevik the very first thing I needed to do was to betray my past, and the family I came from. Just like all other Chinese Bolshevik I also started to hate our family, hate the education I received, and hate everything about the past. That was the real reason I lost contact with you all, just like all other typical and true revolutionaries.
Now let’s talk about the ideology of socialism. Whether it is good or not, we should let the facts speak. Since in your letter you listed a lot of bad aspects of our Party and country, I also list some indisputable facts to illustrate how our Party led the nation from the old China, the “poor white” to be a complete, independent, industrialized powerful new China.
Before the liberation of the year 1949, the Chinese modern industry was almost zero. We could not even produce a match. Remember we called the “match” as “foreign match”, so was “foreign oil” “foreign nail” “foreign bucket” “foreign cup”, almost everything had a “foreign” in front.
But after the liberation, we first engaged our industry at Northeast region. We manufactured our own aircraft, automobiles, heavy machinery, precision instruments as many as 600 projects. We built the New Wuhan Yangtze River Bridge; as well as more than 30 railways linking the most areas of the country. Within ten years after liberation we built two Iron & Steel Bases in Wuhan and Baotou; and Oilfields in Daqing, Shengli and Dagang. By the year 1965 we basically self-sufficient in oil supplying. Our electricity power industry also growing very fast that within 10 years the electricity supplying increased by nearly 70 times in countryside areas. In addition more than 8000 km new railways were built including Baotou-Lanzhou railway. High technology also developed very fast and successfully. In the year 1964 we had our first atomic bomb. The successful development of the crystalline bovine insulin was another achievement.
Despite of the heavy loss of the national economy during the “Ten Years Disturbance” (Cultural Revolution) the development slowed down, but still some achievements were made, such as the No 2 car factory in Hubei Province; Nanjing Yangtze River Bridge; Chengdu-Kunming Railway; Hunan-Guizhou railway etc. In national defense technology we developed our own missiles, as well as the hydrogen bomb and artificial earth satellite.
Since the 1980’s Reform & Open-Door the Party gave priority to the agriculture, grain and cotton production have steadily increased to be the world No 1. In industry we have some projects that have reached the world advanced technology, such as Baoshan Iron & Steel base; Gezhouba Dam Project; the Daya Bay Nuclear Power Station and the Beijing-Kowloon railway; and in recent years The Sanxia Dam Project, the Qinghai-Tibet railway. The foreign trade and cultural exchanges also have a new face. We have joined the World Trade Organization. Science and technology, education, and culture also flourish. The living standard both in urban and rural have improved significantly. In space industry innovation, since 1979 we successfully tested long-range rocket we successfully built "Shenzhou V" and "Shenzhou VI" manned spacecrafts.
If we look back to the modern Chinese history we were a nation always beaten by foreign powers. However, since the establishment of the New China from 1949 we said farewell to that part of the history. We built a strong military and national defense. From the Anti US Supporting Korean War, and any other border conflicts with the neighbor countries, we have never lost one inch of our land, maintained the integrity and unity of our motherland. In the early 50s we were not very strong, still we did not succumb to the pressure of the Soviet Union, by tie ourselves to the chariot of them. We defeated all the foreign anti-China forces of isolation, blockade, interference and provocation to our nation, and consolidated our political independence, and took the courage to say No to the world powers. During the all of Soviet Union, and drastic changes in Eastern Europe and the world, we stood the instability and past the test. Our nation now proudly stands among the leading nations in the world.
In education field, before liberation, China was one of the world's most illiterate countries. Today China has basically eliminated illiteracy. To follow Deng Xiaoping policy in 1983, the education must face modernization, the world and the future, universities reformed the entrance examination system, the university students increased from several hundred thousand to several million.
In the diplomatic aspect, our government firmly carried out Comrade Mao Zedong and Zhou Enlai’s foreign policy, opened a new era in our diplomatic history. As a member of the United Nations, our country has establish diplomatic relations with 120 countries, kept friendly relationship with many countries and regions in the field of economics, trades, cultural exchange and so on.
In health care, after liberation our government implemented the free medical care system, essentially eliminated severe infectious diseases. The death rate declined significantly. People's health greatly improved. Although there remain some problems in the health care reform areas, the great progress and improvement is undeniable.
In sports, we have successfully hosted the Beijing Olympics. From 1984 our athletes won the first Olympic gold medal, to the year 2008 Beijing Olympic we won total of 51 gold medals, became the world No. 1 gold medal wining country! In front of the hard facts, who dare to call us “sick Asians” again?
In your letter you accused our party to have harmed many people in the past a few decades. I do not deny that our Party in the process of leading the people fighting for a better life did make some errors and detours, some even very serious, did brought harm to some people.
However, nothing is perfect. In this world, any person, any party, any government has its path towards maturation and perfection. As to China, according to the development of our society the main contradiction has been constantly changing. Our Party also constantly adjusts and improves itself. The process of maturation of the Chinese Communist Party theory can be divided into three stages.
The first stage was to combine Marxism-Leninism universal principles together with the reality of Chinese revolution. This is what I have said before “Mao Zedong Thoughts”. Mao thoughts as the representative theory mainly deal with the problem of class struggle. Before liberation the main social contradiction was between the poor and the rich; after liberation the main social contradiction became between which road to go for building our sociality, the socialist road, or the capitalist road.
The second stage took place in the year 1978, the third session of the 10th Party Conference. Deng Xiaoping as the core of the second generation of Party’s central leadership created the Deng Xiaoping Theory. We found our own way to build our socialist country. Deng used very simple and symbolic language kwon as “no matter the cat is black or white, as far as it catches rats, it is good a cat” “the hard thing is to develop our country’s economy.” During this period the principal contradiction in China has become between “the people's increasing needs in material and cultural and the backward productive ability.” Deng Xiaoping Theory focused on solving the problem of “how to build socialist country.”
The third stage, From the year 2000 our third generation Party leader comrade Jiang Zemin put forward the theory of “the three represents” (1, Our Party represents the need of China's advanced social productive force; 2, Our Party represents the direction of China's advanced culture; 3, Our Party represents the fundamental interests of the majority people.) It resolved the current historical problem of “the nature of the Communist Party.” Comrade Jiang formally announced “the communism is not a goal we fight for, but a great and lofty ideal.” He improved and emancipated our mind; put the truth and facts before ideology. He also changed the slogan of “building a socialist country” to “building a Chinese characterized socialist country.”
The “Chinese characterized socialism theoretical system” is our Party’s complete theory. It is the condensation of Marxism-Leninism, Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaoping theory and the “three represents”, as well as the wisdom and untiring efforts of exploration and practice of our two generation Chinese Communists leading the people.
The history of mankind has experienced the “three technology revolution”: 1, the invention of the steam engine facilitated the commencement of the first industrial revolution; 2, the invention of electric power technology marked the second industrial revolution; 3, the Internet caused rapid development of human society into information age. Compare with European capitalist countries we started late, and our foundation was not solid, our economy was weak. However, we do not want to be left behind, in today’s information age and globalization our people under the leadership of our Party, studying and working hard to make our nation playing an increasingly important role in the world.
Since China became a member of the WTO, more and more foreign enterprises coming to China looking for cheap labors. Now our country is called the “world factory”. However, our nation will not be satisfied of being factory workers. We only temporarily do our studies, as if paying tuition to learn advanced foreign technology and management. We eventually will make own brand and be proud from “Made in China” to “Created in China”, so that we can gain the most profit and maximum economic benefits. We will be in an invincible position in the world competition.
So far I have given so many adequate facts of the greatness and correctness of our Party. At the same time you could also see that our Party is not an unchangeable stone. In fact, from the political policy to the members of the Party, for different needs of different period of time, we have been changing all the time accordingly. Our Party in the past, at the present and in the future, will continue correcting our mistakes, adjusting our cause, ultimately lead the Chinese people toward prosperity. The whole world, only in the period of the history when the Communist Party is in power, can see an independent, powerful, modern and strong China.
As a CCP member, I wish to say a few more words about our party. Our Party is composed of the elites of our nation. This fact will never change. In China, there is no other political party can compete with the Chinese Communist Party. So, no matter what changes occur inside the party now or in the future, as long as it does not change the title “The Chinese Communist Party”, it can not be replaced. In other words, the Party can be changed, but can not be overthrown. So, is an old saying goes: “Only to be a Party member, one can save China.”
As in your letter you made a lot of complaints about some practical problems difficult times we had after the liberation, I would say some disasters were caused by natural and historical limitations, that could happen to any government of any political party in any social system. Therefore, everything must be analyzed accordingly, not simply put all to the Party to blame.
Although our Party has to continue exploring and adjusting itself, I can already foresee in the future of half a century, China will have a huge change, will become one of the world’s most important countries, The people around the world will look at us, the “sick Asian” in a totally different eyes, and most borders will be open for Chinese citizens in and out freely…
Unfortunately I can not see the day by my own eyes though I felt the day is very close. By that time, I hope you, my younger brother, can look at our Party and our nation in a macro view subjectively and comprehensively. Take a good think, and burn me a letter again when the time is coming, even if not for me, you should and need to do for yourself, and for our following generations.
I appreciate your patience to have read this prolix letter. This is a letter I write to you, as well write to the whole family, and even to all our descendants. I also would like to take this letter as a review and summary of my faithful and hard work for the Party all my life.
Finally I would ask you for a favor. Next time when you pay your visit to our father, please add some earth to his grave on my behalf.
Elder brother of yours
4, My Last Battle with Father
At last I finished reading such a long letter of father’s, I handed it back him. But he had no indication to take it, but looking at me as if waiting for me to make some comments.
How could I make any moments to such a long “political editorial”? Especially when much information appeared in it I had never heard or thought about before. A more important thing was before I came to the hospital I had ready made up my mind “this time, no matter what is going to happen I will endure, because there would be much chance left for me to show my high attitude in front of father.”
Seeing me saying nothing father could not help asking “what do you thing, any suggestions? “
I didn’t expect father would talk to me in such a discussing tone. I blurted out “what you said, certainly have your reason.”
Heard that father released some tension that made his face looked much relaxed. At this moment Panjie walked in. I suspected she had never really gone away, but waited at outside of the door. Despite of Panjie came in father did not move his eyes from me, and said something vague to me.
“What?” I leaned a little my ear to him.
“Baba asked you to help him turn around.” Panjie immediately interpreted. Looking at me being hesitating Panjie pushed away and said “Let me do it, I’m experienced.”
“I did not ask you, I asked my son.” This time father's words were clearly discernible, that startled Panjie. How could she be not startled? For all these years, Panjie had been much closer to father than any of our brothers. Father talked to her like that, was extremely rare.
Though I was still hesitating whether I should help father to make a turn or not, I realized that that was not for me to chose, or to put it in another way, it was unavoidable. I stood up and clumsily embraced the pile of bones of my fathers was just about to help him making a turn around unexpectedly father hugged me, tightly. I was shocked, unconsciously tried to get away, but gave up at the same time. I seized this rare opportunity to have asked the question that would haunt me rest of my life: “Baba, why you don’t like me by natural? Is it because I don’t resemble you, like a sheep daddy, seeing his little sheep dose not resemble him and gets frightened?”
Father did not answer my question immediately. He used his last strength giving me a tide hug, and then gently pushed me away. He paused for a moment, with a faint smile followed by a deep sigh, he shook his head, then patted me, told me the reason why he did not like me by nature. That reasons made me stunned. (If this is TV drama, now should be a commercial time)
My father said “it was not that because you don’t resemble me, on the contrary, it was because you too much resemble me, aside from your look and character or temperament just as the same as me when I was young, say, your nature of showing-off; individual struggle, fight to be rich and famous, those Bourgeoisie thoughts, just like me before I took part into the revolution. Seeing all the old habits and foul problems that I got away through years of hard reform, appeared and proliferated on you, how do you think I would feel? Therefore, when I say I dislike you by nature, which ‘nature’ was actually I but not you. Now, do you see, what I said I dislike you, was actually I dislike me, myself.”
The mystery in the deep of my heart was then solved. I once again hugged my father, with decades of accumulated emotions gurgled into tears. Father was also extremely excited, said to me with deep feeling “remember that song ‘father and mother are not as close as the Party’; your aunt said it should be changed to ‘party and country are not as close as son.”
I know, my father and I, a pair of decades sworn rivals, at the same time the first time felt a same fact “family, is the world’s most beautiful thing!”
If this is a movie, now is an emotional high climax, should increase the background music, with a series of flashback: the sound of a moving train be overshadowed, recalling the scene when I was 6 years old the first time father took me on the train from Xinhua to Changsha; overlapping the scene that father took me on his bike riding me to the school on snow, when the water flouring out from a crack of my rain shoe turning to be ice; jumping to the scene that I was tailing a smoking adult for the moment to pick up his cigar butt attributing to father; the next scene should be at my 12 years birthday, I sacred my parents by asking them to buy me a violin; and the final scene would be father smashed my white violin that I made by my own hand into pieces…In short, to put carefully selected touching moving scenes together back and forth, to make the cinema to be a pond of tears.
If the drama “Father and Son” ended at this point, it could be a happy ending. But very unfortunately when I got up and about to leave father, he pointed the letter he wrote to Uncle Din and said to me “go to make a copy for yourself, and write some comments let me see.” I suddenly realized that that letter father wrote to uncle Din was only part of it, in fact he was more meant to me. It seems I couldn’t get away if I don’t make a clear and specific position.
I force myself to smile a little, and then said “Baba, I really don’t want to quarrel with you anymore. But it is you again pushing me, so do not blame me for it.” I stopped smiling, slowly spit out “be honestly the most thing you wrote in your letter, such as your revolutionary principles or theories and so on, is just beyond my comprehension. I am just an ordinary person, a violin player, and now a violin maker and repairman. My idea of life has never be high, when I was small I only wished to suffer a little less from coldness and hunger, every meal time hoped to have some real and decent rice instead of cereals mixed with wild grasses, at a rainy day I had a rain shoes that wouldn’t leak, in the cold winters I had a cotton-padded jacket to keep me warm; when I grow up, I just wanted to live a life with less spiritual suspense, that I had a freedom to sing the songs I liked, to play a melody on my violin that I loved, and be save to say things I wanted to say, no need always to worry someday a political punishment would suddenly coming to my head. Today, although I live in a foreign country, but still pray for my brother buying the shares do not suddenly drop to valueless; pray for my sister in law would get her wage safely fully and in time every month, and wouldn’t be suddenly out of job; pray for my friends returning home from work would not suddenly find them forced to move out due to demolition; and more importantly people could afford to send their children to schools, and the elderly could afford to have medication.
Seeing me getting more and more vigorously father’s already ugly face turned to be worse. He raised his hand, sorry, he raised his bones and waved in the air, like an orchestra conductor shut me up. Then gave a long sigh of despair and said “it seems you have very deep-rooted prejudice to your motherland. But in any case you can not deny the fact.” Father pulled his voice, very solemnly said “who made you a violin artist? It was your socialist motherland that you dislike. And who made you from an artist to become a businessman? It happens to be your favorite foreign capitalist country.”
“Oh no, my motherland did not make me to be a violin artist, but a tool and a weapon to educate the people and against the enemy for your Party. It is the foreign capitalist countries educated me what the real art and beauty is. Later became a businessman was my choice; no one forced me to do it. For the reason I chose to give up violin performing art, is because after re-educated by the western culture for some years I realized there are more things I should and need to do other than violin playing in my life, for example to grow sense of responsibility and obligation to our nation, to read as many books as I could to continuously improve my quality and the essence of thinking; or just say to make enough money to support and help my family and people around me…” When I got excited, I could not help avoid my old bad habit to quarrel with father, and forget all what I decided keeping quiet before I came to see father.
“That’s enough, more than enough; it is all the old tricks, that the moon is rounder in the West than in China.” The father opened his eyes, coldly looked at the ceiling. I know that was the peak of father's high-attitude. However, since it has already come to the point, I decided to spit it all out, just to save my regret all my life.
“It is true the moon is rounder in the West than in China, as in the west the air is less polluted. Particularly for us to live in Norway, a high social welfare country, every citizen is entitled to have free education and free Medication, everyone’s human rights and freedom is protected by the law, freedom and rights include giving up living as an artist and choose to be a businessman.” I quickly expressed my deepest feelings and thoughts before father make any action “the biggest difference between the people in the west and China is: people in the West can choose and control their own life style and destiny, while life of Chinese people is basically controlled by the hands of bureaucrats, as least in the first a few decays of the New China. So tell me, as a human being, what is different from a slave, if one is not allowed to live at a place one wants to live, or not allowed to learn something or choose a favorite professional, but had to do things is asked to do?”
Father woodened, closed his eyes, never meant to refute. I hope this time he was speechless, not the Deng Xiaoping's trick play “no debate”.
Quiet, it was sad and deadly quiet. At this point I obviously felt the small stool that I sat on growing thorns out, and getting longer the harder that made my ass feel pain. I stood up and gently placed the letter on the small stool, was about to say “take a good rest” to get away father opened his eyes again, said with deep and heave feeling “the greatest regret of my life is I can not live to the day of proving that the socialism is superior than capitalism. However, (my father raised her voice) I do believe that day will come.”
As all what I needed to say I had said, and all the gas in my stomach I also had let out, I would be deadly stupid if I had not caught the chance to show my high attitude. In order to ease the mood, and to lower myself in front of father, I adopted a joking tone to have expressed the great truth in my heart “the greatest regret of my life is I have not become the king of music, did not see the result of my years struggling and efforts, that is I stood at the stage of a large concert hall, behind me is the orchestra, in front of me are people’s eyes, camera flashes, flowers and applause, and what is more, the television cameras around me…”
Father interrupted me and blurted out “What, ‘the king of music’'? To the end, you walked a circle to the beginning, the same old stuff…” Father did not finish what he was saying. I knew by then, even if he had his determination of fighting with me to the end, he had no longer such strength.
We both avoid each other's eyes, in a state of profound thinking, as if into a deeper confusion.
To be continued
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