Chapter 22
The Second Time Returning homeland
1, Back Again to China
After my violin shop in Oslo went on track for sometime I received a letter from Mei-Mei. It said “your father is dying, this time is for real.”
I made an international call to my brother Danjn and learnt that father was again needed an urgent surgery operation. Right away I decided to betray the Norway's May Music Festival (May Music Festival is the best season of the year to make money for my shop) and return for China,. This time I did not bring an expensive old Italian violin, instead I brought the violin I made when I was young and smashed by my father during the Cultural Revolution, and restored by myself again in US college, with a sort of mood of taking her back to where she was originally born, and of course quite some money and the determination of overcoming difficulties with my family.
When I heard the sound of the aircraft engine on my way back to China it reminded me my first time abroad many years ago. That time it was also when I heard the engine sound I had those remarks in my mind “now I’m a violinist, I’m a fine person, I won!” Then that day I had to change the sentence to “now I am not a violinist anymore, I’m not a very nice person. I lost!” But to think it twice, I thought I should never admit myself as a “loser”. For instance in this case, it was true I have lost as a violinist, but by doing that I have lost handcuffs at the same time, I became free, free to do whatever I want, reading, writing, traveling, making friends, learn to abandon vanity and build friendships and enjoy life. Indeed, if think this way I was a big winner. Hey, come on, one can say however and whatever one wants to say, as long as it feels good. Sometimes, the spirit of AQ is very great and useful. (AQ is a Chinese figure who loses all the time but later always finds good way to comfort and satisfying himself. In China it is called Spiritual Winning method. )
After the meal on the plan, I yawned, wanted to take a nap, but just could not get sleep. The whole mind was obsessed with one word “loser”. A little by little, I started to realize that for all those years I only fight with father on the surface, but inside what I really needed to win was his respect. After all I am just not the type of person who could tolerate to lose, and my nature was as always, to WIN.
2, The First Thing That I Did When I Arrived in My Hometown Changsha
As soon as I landed at the Changsha airport, I ran out to meet Guo Xiong and Mei-Mei, just like the first time when I returned to China, my brother Danjin was too busy in the hospital taking care of father than coming to meet me at the airport.
“Go straight to the High-Rank Cadres’ Ward.” I ordered Guo Xiong as if he was driving a taxi.
“How do you know your father is staying at High-Rank Cadres’ Ward? Someone told you?” Mei-Mei asked, with a tone of jealousy.
“What? My father is already staying at the High-Rank Cadres’ Ward? How could he get in?” I was surprised.
“If you don’t know, why did you say 'straight to the High-Rank Cadres’ Ward?” Mei-Mei laughed a little, but could not cover her feeling of jealousy.
“I want to go there because I thought I must talk to Premier Liu to get a back-door. This time I have made up my mind, no matter what my Baba say, I would keep him there, if I could get him in.” I told the truth.
“I thought you know everything.” Mei-Mei said “you no need to talk to Premier Liu. In fact after you left us last time, Premier Liu made phone calls from time to time asking for your father's situation. This time it was Premier Liu actively took your father into his High-Rank Cadres’ Ward, with your father’s name.” Then Mei-Mei explained that it was Premier Liu asked mother to talk to father’s work unit to ask the Premier Liu for a special favor for father. Then the hospital based on the work unit’s request, to give father a special offer of a bed in a single room at the High-Rank Cadres
Ward. He even persuaded father that it was all arranged by the party and got nothing to do with him. Besides that father’s body was already too weak to make decision and do things by him.
“That’s very strange, Premier Liu used to be known as a leader how adheres his principles, how come this time...”
Before I finish, Mei-Mei stopped me with a jealous tone “because you got his daughter in law to Japan.”
“What? Ma Xiao-Mao went to Japan?” I was even more surprised with that piece of information.
“Not went to Japan, but going to Japan soon. Everyone knows you arranged that, so no need to cover up with that anymore.” Mei-Mei said.
Followed Guo Xiong added “You and Premier Liu is called ‘help each other’ (very much used quotation within Chinese community).Besides, as the popular saying ‘man in power don’t use in time would be useless when the time is due.”
Since father was already in the High-Rank Cadres’ Ward, I did not need to go see Premier Liu immediately, but rather go see Ma Xiao-Mao first. Therefore I said to Guo Xiong in a discussing tone “then how about not go to the hospital, perhaps I should go to where I’m going to stay first.”
“Wherever you want to go, it is entirely up to you. Which hotel, name it?” Guo Xiong asked.
“Perhaps I should go to my brother Danjin’s place first, to see his arrangement.” I said.
“Your brother’s arrangement? Ask me I know better, to his work unit guest house, as you used to stay. No doubt about it.” Guo Xiong said.
“Why guest house again, my brother bought a new apartment, didn’t he.” I said that as I still remember I left money to him to buy a new apartment last time.
When I mentioned about the new apartment Guo Xiong suddenly switched his power off, no more response. Mei-Mei took the speech over “I thought that too, that’s why I got the key from Panjiu.”
When Guo Xiong's car entered to Danjin’s working unit, the Hunan Medical University he asked “Where first, I mean to your mother’s place, or your brother’s place?”
“What? How come my mother and my brother do not live together?” I suddenly had a sense of being cheated. Didn’t I leave the money to buy an apartment for the sake that they could live together?
“Your brother's new apartment is on the fourth floor. It was not he wanted to buy an apartment on the fourth floor, but by draw-straws. Even by offering money people wouldn’t change for the first floor, for simply there are just too many good benefits to live at the first floor, for instance people can be in business just by open a window, or to raise some chicken to lay eggs or plan some vegetables, and some people even dig a basement using as a store room.” Guo Xiong explained.
Mei-Mei added “Fourth floor how could your parents climb everyday? Fortunately the working unit let Danjin continue to rent the old house that your brother used to live, so that your parents, now only your mother could go on living there.”
So that was the story, it sounded OK. I hesitated whether I should first go see mother or Danjin's new home? Be honestly, I did not really like to go see my mother alone. For if had done, what could I have talked with her, when I really had nothing much to say to her? But if I did not go see her first, it just did not sound right, especially when outsiders had already initiated the issue. By accident, or Mei-Mei must guessed what was in my mind, she suggested “I think it is better to go to Danjin’s new home first, as his mother most probably now is accompanying his father at the hospital.”
Thanks, Mei-Mei!
3, The Chinese New Homes, Palace Surrounded by Garbage
Before I say anything, I have to make it clear that what I wrote happened in the 90’s. Nowadays China has improved very much.
On the way to Danjin’s new building, some private cars parked not very much in order along the road. In front of the building each unit had a huge iron gate. Mei-Mei opened the iron gate with keys, then I saw the aisle was filled with bicycles. Side walked to the stairs I was given a warm welcome by all kinds of garbage, cigarette end, sputum etc. By seeing a scene like that, I thought to use the Chinese word “new building” was some what distortion of Chinese language. In front of each family there was a trash can in front of door like a guard man. After seeing 8 guard men I finally reached the fourth floor. Mei-Mei opened the door for me but did not let me in, because “change the shoes first.” At the same time I was stunned by the sight of the inside of Danjin’s home.
Danjin's home was indeed changed from a bird gun to a cannon (by Chinese expression), a huge living room paved with smooth and shiny marble like a ice rink, a huge genuine leather sofa, new furniture and luxurious chandeliers…
“Ah, spent my money like that!” I blurted out.
However, Mei-Mei explained that nowadays all Chinese new homes are like that; my brother’s new home was actually below average. Today, most middle class
Chinese families as long as stepping across the garbage stairs, you would enter exaggerated luxury new homes.
As soon as I put my things down, I suggested to go see father. Though Mei-Mei said it might be a little bit too late she immediately called the hospital. Of course it was Panjie received the call. Just like Mei-Mei guessed Panjie said “Today is a little too late, as father is rest, come tomorrow morning, not too early not too late. Danjiu must be tired too. Just take a break; I will soon come back cooking.”
Since I did not need to go see my father at once, I could use the time to go see Ma Xiao-Mao, to ask her about my father’s room, for instance how long my father could stay, and whether she had some new demands? Of course I wouldn’t forget to mention the two Norwegian gentlemen I had introduced to her.
I took a look at Mei-Mei, felt as if she was expecting me to do something. In the past, as long as we two were alone together, I always took off her clothes. But that day, I did not, but looked at her clothes, very ordinary clothes, not only did not take them off, but also made a nice comment “nice clothes, uh, you have a very good taste.”
That very common compliment to women surprised Mei-Mei, she stared at me with mouth half opened.
“What? Did I say something wrong?” I asked.
“No, it is the sun coming out from the west.” Mei-Mei looked as the tears would fall off.
“How is that?” I wanted to make sure.
"How is that? After so many years, have you ever bothered to see my clothes? Do you remember once I showed a nice new dress to you, and asked you if you liked it, how did you answer me?” Mei-Mei suddenly turned from happy to grievances.
“Of course I remember, that new dress, that that, I remember, for sure.” But actually, I remember nothing, nothing at all about what Mei-Mei had been wearing.
“You say I quote “I do not sleep with your clothes”.” Mei-Mei spitted out, together with her tears.
I certainly did not remember I have ever said something like that, just like I did not remember any tears coming out from Mei-Mei’s eyes. I never expected a common compliment to a woman would make Mei-Mei becoming so emotional.
I quickly tried to change subject, and then, begged Mei-Mei to stay at Danjin’s place helping Panjie to make dinner when she came back, and I escaped alone for Ma Xiao-Mao.
4, Ma Xiao-Mao Did Not Forget Our Schoolmate Flute Chan
When I met Ma Xiao-Mao the first thing she told me was in fact she had long been preparing her way to go to Japan. About going to Norway was only to find a back up just in case she failed to go to Japan. Therefore when she got her visa and ready to go to Japan, the rumor was naturally saying I was the one caused that. She felt no need to explain and just let the rumor be.
“I appreciate so much of your helping my father. I do not how to thank you?” I asked for her demand.
“That’s not the problem; the thing is I am not so sure how long the hospital can keep your father?” Ma Xiao-Mao said.
“What do you mean by you are not sure how long…?” I got nervous, afraid if I could meet Ma Xiao-Mao’s new conditions?
“Your brother did not tell you? Your father's work unit did not pay for the full medical fees in time, for the argument that your father is not actually a high rank cadre so that only fees of ordinary hospital lever can be reimbursed.
“What? The government has its policy.” I did not have more to say. As the communist part’s policy, all cadres who took part in the revolution before 1949, full Medicare should be covered.
“That’s right, the government has its policy, but the local has their ways to play around. (very popular and vivid description in the Chinese society.) This is not only your father’s problem; it has become a phenomenon for many retired senior cadres. You just got back, have no idea about the country’s domestic problems. Staying longer you would find out, a lot of things.” By end of the conversation she did not put it in words but through her facial expression she said “you owe me.”
“How could I repay you?” I wanted to owe people.
“Repay me, oh no, I am alright. But if you have chance, and ability, I would appreciate your giving our old schoolmate Flute Chan a little help.” Ma revealed her truth hope.
“Flute Chan, wasn’t he happily rooted in Xinjiang?” I remembered once Ma Xiao-Mao told me that way.
“Don’t make fun of him, that’s too cruel. Don’t you think he is not poor enough, both in money and in life?”
After the explanation from Xiao-Mao I learnt Flute Chan broke down his body and returned to Changsha. As Xinjiang Construction Troupes were supposed to be part of the Chinese army the retired people should have social benefits, which includes Medicare. As he could not get any he went to Beijing together with other petitioners asking the top government for Medicare and other benefit they were entitled to have, yet every time he was caught and being sent back. He was then making a living by selling roast mutton by the side of the streets.
5, Stocks and Family
Back to my brother Danjin’s home, Mei-Mei and Panjie had already prepared dinner, but Danjin wasn’t back yet. I naturally asked about father's situation. Panjie shook her head with no words. Mei-Mei had to explain to me “the doctor said your Baba would be difficult to recover, could only be maintained.”
Mei-Mei’s letter had said the same thing. But until then I knew what she wrote “your father is dying, this time for real” was for real. Father's illness, cancel, no hope, hopeless, what the doctor said “maintain” was actually counting the days towards death. As the situation was like that, what more could be asked.
Panjie wanted to change the heavy atmosphere she turned on the TV set, a 28 inch full color TV. The TV was showing a very popular Japan program, the same program I saw from time to time. The strange thing was the Japanese host in the program I saw outside of China was quite aged, while in China TV was still a young fellow. I noticed what the audiences wear in program then I understood, that was a program made decades ago. The odd thing was the Chinese could easily take what appear in the TV that was out of fashion in the west as fashion and imitate.
My brother Danjin came back. Greeted me briefly he put the television remote control into his control. He changed the channel to see the stock exchange information. “How could it dropped again!” Danjin’s face turned pail.
Although I knew almost nothing about stocks, but still had read some articles from the Internet, saying that the China's stock market is man-controlled business, are means and tools used by a small group of people to take money from vast people. China's investors, was doomed from the start to suffer. Simple image that China's stock market is a gold trap, with one’s own will for people to jump in.
The more I was talking, the worse Danjin’s face color became. I did not pay any attention to how my brother looked, as I had no idea stocks got anything to do with him. I only wondered why I was talking about stocks, Mei-Mei constantly interrupted me, and Panjie too kept asking me to eat more. What surprised me was as soon as the dinner was over the always midnight man Danjin suddenly said he was tired and sleepy so that he wanted to go bed early. That was a great disappointment to me when I was just in the middle of my talk with a very good mood.
“OK then, you go to bed first, we will go on enjoying our talking.” I said to my brother.
“How could your brother sleep if we talk here?” Panjie said.
That made me paid a close look around Danjin’s new home, a large living room with two bedrooms, and a kitchen and bathroom, the two bedrooms of course one for brother and his wife and one for their son. That was, naturally no place for me.
“If that is the case, Mei-Mei and I could, no, I mean I could stay at the guest house where I used to stay by myself.
Mei-Mei said “Well...May be that would be the best for you as you always wanted to be free and alone…”
Panjie cut Mei-Mei’s sentence off and took the conversation over, and said “how could that be. Before we had no place, Danjiu had to stay in the guest house, but now we have place, how could we let Danjiu stay outside. Especially, especially…”Panjie stopped there.
In fact, I originally thought to stay with my brother’s family. Because I wanted to show my brother how great I had changed, changed to care for the family. I looked a around again, made up my mind I announced “I will stay at my nephew's room.”
“Where dose your nephew sleep?” Mei-Mei laughed.
“He can sleep in the living room. He is just a kid, nothing to worry about.” As soon as my voice ended Panjie disagreed “No, no, son is very busy with his studies during the day time at the school, and in the evening he has piles of homework, therefore he absolutely need his place. So just listen to my arrangement: Danjiu sleep in the master bedroom, Danjin and I sleep in the living room.”
After a back-and-forth discussion and my repeated stress that the living room was closer to the restroom, and that was very important to me, the finally decision of mine staying in the living room was reached.
Danjin went to bed early. Listening to my bragging nephew with his mouth half open was dragged to bed by his mother. Mei-Mei also made an excuse and went back, with a little disappointment, perhaps. In the living room left only me and Panjie. I did not feel like to boast in front of just one woman, I said “you may go to bed too. I just watch TV a little.” Strangely she did not go to bed, instead, muttered how my brother made a huge lose at the stock exchange market.
The story goes like this. Danjin did not use the money I left to him to buy the new apartment. For he guessed my money wasn’t coming easy. He thought I might need it someday urgent. Especially after the fire he had a talk with Danfeng. Danfeng made a long negotiation with his wife, even promised to quit his job at the Acrobatic straight away and go to work as cook in order to make more money, the young wife agreed to lend money for a certain period of time to Danjin to buy a new apartment. After I returned to Norway I wrote to Danjin that I had gave up violin playing, and inherited a huge property from Master Crow, Danjin started to think to use the money I left to him to return back to Danfeng’s wife.
But things did not go the way planed. Just before Danjin about to return to money to Danfeng’s wife, he heard some very attractive good news from his best friend Guo Xiong that he had gain a lot of money from the stock exchange market. With that kind of charming story and easy money, it was just too attract to resist. After repeatedly ideological struggle, my brother decided to give it a try. Just like the other millions of Chinese, he thought “gain” was the only word in the stock exchange business. He made a very nice plan, to use my money to gain, and then to save my money, and only use the profit to re-invest. My bother was careful and conservative, he started with a small amount of about 1000 US dollars, and only within a very short period of time he gained 200 US dollars profit. Danjin got very excited, and put the rest 50000 USD at once into stocks. Then the Chinese stocks suddenly fall down, down down down, every day down, always down, until the day I was there, my bother had lost half of what he invested in the stock exchange market, and without knowing when he could get out.
Slept on the sofa bed in the living room, I felt full of thorns, just could not get sleep, wondering why and how my brother would get himself into the stock exchange business. Thinking of the money lost, the money I worked very hard for it, the money I gave up my life plan of studying in the United States to save the family’s crises, by doing so my life course was changed, my brother, could simply take it to gamble. Stock exchange business is gambling, isn’t it, especially China’s. The deeper I wonder the more pain I felt. The more I think quicker my blood circles. With the quilt I felt hot, without I felt cold. In one word, no matter what I did, I just don’t feel comfortable to sleep. I can’t get sleep that meant more thinking, from heartache to anger. Imagine, my brother, the world's closest blood relation, my dearest person, the highest trust, how could he do such a big thing without asking me?!
I was so up set; suddenly felt that in this whole world, no one is reliable. On my second thought, it might not be completely true. How about Mei-Mei? Is she not reliable either? That can’t be…Right, why she has not get married with somebody, anybody? Is she, about me? That couldn’t be true...
Gradually I was in an old-fashioned black and white film. I was in an old European town. I walked to an intersection and made a right turn, an old wooden house appeared in front of me. In my real life that wooden house was not any wooden houses I had owned or had been in, yet in the dream I was so familiar with the house, I knew excitedly the front gate, the wooden stairs leading to the second floor. On the second floor my parents and several brothers and sisters. Those people were all not I know or had met in my real life. But I recognized them well as my family in my dream. They all had European faces. I looked at the mirror and found I also had a European face. “That's strange, how come my face becoming like this?” I asked my family in the dream. But everyone of my family looked at me, surprised “how come suddenly your face turned to be like an Asian?”
Could anyone explain this phenomenon to me? As I said, everything appeared in the dream, that European town, that wooden house, those members of the family; I had never seen or met in my real life. The question is how was all the information stored in my brain?
When I thought about this, I was still in my dream. It was true that I could in dream to tell myself what happened before was just a dream. My dream continued. In the dream at that time, my wife Marianne appeared and told me: “all you have seen in your dream was your previous life, be precisely, the soul of your previous life. Human body can only live once, but the human soul never dies. When someone die, the soul attached to the body would get out from the dieing body, waiting for the next human body to attach to. The Chinese saying is “soul reincarnated” The birth of every life, every family formation, are Act of God, fate, or destiny. So, fate is not a coincidence, but God’s will. If we don’t treasure it, we would be punished by God. When we die our soul has to go to Hell. God would lock our souls up, probably just like we humans are locked up in prison for crime.... When my dream came to this point, I felt my body falling off very quickly, “pop” I was down to the seventh level of the hell, extremely cold, scared and painful.
I woke up and found myself rolling from the sofa bed to the marble floor. No doubt cold and painful.
Before I continue my story, I would like to ask my readers: “have you ever had such dreams to meet people or places and events that you have never met in your real life? If so, how do you explain were those information came from being stored in your brain? In addition, have you also had a dream to dream experience? So-called “dream to dream” is while you were dreaming, you could tell yourself that was not true, you could force yourself to wake up from one dream but continue with another dream?
I turned on the living room light; to exploit the nearness I went to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet recalling the dream I just had. Yes, a birth of every life, every family formation, are God's arrangement, a fate or destiny. Therefore we should appreciate it. Compared with fate, what stocks are about? Some kind of paper, nowadays not even papers that can hold, touch and feel, but some numbers in a computer screen. When the PC is off, everything is gone.
I still habitually consumed some toilet paper though nothing came out from my stomach. Came out from the bathroom I found Danjin was sitting in the living room. I apologized that I occupied the toilet for too long time.
“I am not waiting for the toilet.” Danjin said.
“But why you got up in the middle of night? Are you afraid that I would fall into the toilet?” I tried to show my sense of humor.
Yet Danjin certainly was not in the mood to appreciate my humor. After a stalemate for a moment I felt the time and air began to solidify. I knew the atmosphere was no good, I told myself that I had to find a better joke. “You know...I mean…I say…”
Danjin immediately responded “Anything you say I will listen. You would feel better when you pour everything out.”
“I just want to say… what was that? I forgot. Or you say first.” I decline to.
“OK.” Danjin hushed breath, take the courage “about the stock thing, I know…But don’t worry; I will not use any of your money, by time all your money will be returned back to you. This is a promise.”
“You think I care for the money?” I blurted out, voice with heartache and anger, it revealed that I actually care about the sum of money very much. I said it again “You think I ONLY care for that money?” As soon as I said that, I realized that I should actively show “family first” attitude I immediately changed my tune “Money is of course important, but our brother-ship is more important.” I felt a little nauseating after saying that. In real life, often have such things, too emotional language sounds not so easy though it comes from true feeling and heart. “Forget it forget it, you not only have lost my money, but also disturb my sleep. Go back to your bed, never mention those, stock…things, again.” I hit my head to the pillow, and added “turn off the lights, please.”
Lights were turned off. I heard the sound of my brother shutting the bedroom door. I just turned my body to a more comfortable position, I heard the sound of Danjin’s bedroom door open again, and then a very unfamiliar, small but sincere voice of my brother “I'm sorry.” I hastened to snore loudly like a huge pig. Suddenly, I felt very warm, from my heart to the whole body.
After that, we have never talked about the stock thing, as if nothing has happened, though from time to time I felt some grievance. It is not fair, not fair at all, that my brother plays stocks, I pay for it.
The next morning, Danjin and his wife got up early, but I still pretended to sleep late to show them that I was comfortable, though the truth was not comfortable at all. At the breakfast table, I put the money I brought for father on the table, said: “I've heard father’s work unit failed to pay for the full medical fees to the hospital. We can use part of them to pay for it.” After saying that, I pushed the money on the table towards Danjin’s direction. I did that, of course, to show my respect to Danjin as the leader of the family, and also despite of the stock trouble I did not change my full-trust attitude towards him. Danjin of course, did not want to be in charge of the money; therefore suggested that I hand to father directly. I understand his position and feeling, besides, it was an opportunity for me to show my feeling in front of father, may be the last opportunity.
“So, let’s go to the hospital immediately.” I proposed.
“Every one of us needs to work in the morning, so let’s go together in the afternoon.” said Panjie.
“Then, who is in the hospital take care of father?” I asked.
“Mama.” Panjie answered. By the way and tone she spoke, I felt Panjie’s hot attitude towards father had cooled down in a certain degree. However, even if that was true, it was not difficult to understand “chronic illnesses loses the best child.” Panjie as a young woman, had spent so much time and energy for so many years in a physically destined to disappear old body, how rare it was!
Panjie did not notice that I was thinking, she went on making arrangement “In the afternoon Danfeng will come. The hospital bed is too hard. I borrowed a three-wheel canteen vehicle, Danfeng and I will go buy a sponge mattress for father first. After that I will call you, then you can come to the hospital.
6, A Real Make-Love with Mei-Mei
Danjin and his wife were gone to work, and I was left home alone. I was bored for had nothing to do. I switched the PC on. Talking about computer, it really is a very good thing to soak time. As soon as connect the internet, we get into a vast world, or fix a minor problem of your computer could also take you hours.
When the computer was on; the QQ (Chinese most used communication net work system, similar to Messenger) displayed Mei-Mei was online.
“Hey, I’m Danjiu, is that you, Mei-Mei?” I wrote.
“4d4d.” The other party replied, meant “yes yes” in Chinese.
“What are you doing? If nothing, we go out, okay?”
“!!!???” Mei-Mei replied.
“How about going out for a movie?” As soon as I sent those words out, I felt that those words I used to ask young girls for a date were quite out of date.
“hhh, 886.” Mei-Mei off line.
I could guess 886 was Hunan dialect meant “bye-bye luo”, but what was that “hhh”? Was it laughing “ha ha ha” or Chinese initial for “good good good”, or Japanese HHH, meant to “have sex”?
When we met I asked Mei-Mei what she meant by “hhh”? She said she meant “hum hum hum”, to express her surprise or beyond expectation. She said years ago she had asked me out for movies sometimes, but my reply was always “movie, why? That’s a best way of waste of time. We’d better stay at home to see you naked.”
To show my sincerity, I insisted to take her out. I brought enough RMB, plus credit card. Together we went to a Japanese owned shop in the center of Changsha city called “Pinghetang.” When we saw cosmetics, I asked her if she wanted. When we saw jewelry, watch, fashion shoes, even discounted Japanese washing powder I asked her if she wanted. Mei-Mei looked very happy but wanted nothing. Every time I asked her, she used her hand to touch my forehead. I thought something must be wrong with my forehead. I found a mirror by the side of a photo place. I looked at myself in the mirror, nothing seemed to be wrong about my forehead, no dirt, no hair, sorry, some hair. She laughed and laughed. Eventual I had to ask her why she touched my forehead all the time. Her answer was “I touch your forehead to see how high fever you have, because you must be very sick, or abnormal today!”
We spent about an hour there without buying anything. I felt very bad for had spent no money, therefore I suggested: “Let it find a good place to have a lunch.”
“I rent a place, we can cook there.” Mei-Mei's tone, was no room for negotiation.
When I raised my hand calling for a taxi, she told the driver it was a misunderstanding, as I was calling for a friend on the other side of the road. She dragged me to the other side of the road, a bus stopped just in front of us. Following her we got on the bus, and she paid for the bus fees. When we arrived at her place, it was a small flat in an old building. She told me that was her relative’s place. As the relative bought a new place and removed out, they left some old furniture to give people an impression they were still live there, so when developers come to demolition they could demand a good price. Mei-Mei volunteered to stay there looking after the place for her relative, free of charge. A little by little, Mei-Mei brought her things into the flat, gradually, the small flat became kind of her own castle.
Mei Mei very quickly and skillfully made a few dishes, in which the fish soup was extremely fresh and tasty, more delicious than anything I could remember. After the meal, Mei-Mei only put the dishes away, did not clean them up immediately. She took a small bench sitting in front of me, as usual waiting for my next action. As I had no action this time, she stood up and went toward dish cleaning place. It was by that moment, she asked me the question that probably she wanted to ask for a long time “Why you don’t have a child?”
“If you want to know that? I really would like to have a chat about that. Don’t go away, come back.” Followed I spit out something hidden deep in my heart. I did not have a child, was because of the bad relationship between I and my father. I was so afraid if I had a child, the relationship between my child and I would be as bad. Of course, that was only part of the excuse. The truth was I was not ready to have a child by that time, both mentally and economically. Because of this, I have so many girlfriends. As every time when my girl friend got serious and propose marriage and children, I retreated. Just like that one after another. That explains the reason that I had so many girlfriends in my youth hood. “You're an exception.” I ended my speech with that.
“Why you say that, how can I compare with your those pretty girl friends…” Mei-Mei replied.
Looking at Mei-Mei, used to be a small girl living next door and shared the kitchen with us, the girl we grew up together, and might be grow old together too, I felt it was the time to say something “Mei-Mei, I'm sorry, for all these years, I made you lose a lot.”
“I've never gained anything before, therefore naturally got nothing to lose.” Mei-Mei's answer seemed like being rehearsed before.
“What I meant was for all these years I brought many disasters to you life.” I added more sincerity.
"I have never expected any great things happen to my life; therefore nothing is disaster to me.” Again, Mei-Mei’s neat answer gave me such an impression that she had prepared for such a conversation for a long time.
“Mei-Mei, tell me that you love me.” I finally put up all the courage.
Heard that, she stopped, no movement for a while, and then she said “I don’t know what the word ‘love’ means. I only know since the first time you did that to me, I became unconditional in front of you.” Instantly, Mei-Mei became shy, language turned to be somewhat ambiguous. But I know all she was trying to say was she did not want to be asked questions about “love”, she will do anything within her range of ability and physical to meet all my needs.
I could not let her go on. I hold her, as tightly as I could.
This time, we were not having sex intercourse, not “H”, like the Japanese say, but a true make love. I looked at Mei-Mei's eyes while we were doing. Mei-Mei also looked back at me. We were heartily in love, a more profound and purer love.
“I’m coming.” I warned Mei-mei.
“Come on!” Mei-Mei clutched my buttock.
“Let go, I can’t hold any longer.” Unlike before, this time I did not want to finish inside her.
"Come on, you come, inside me!!!" Mei-Mei more desperately clinging to my hips.
“Ah, ah, ah ----------, ah, ah ah, ha…” I, as always, all ejaculated into her.
When all was over, I symbolically help Mei-Mei with her hair, very afraid I asked “are you not afraid of that?”
“Of what?” Mei-Mei looked rather relaxed.
“Get pregnant!” I finally spit out my worry, and wondered why I had never worried about it before.
“That, no, not afraid.” Mei-Mei answered clearly and calmly.
“Why not?” I was really puzzled.
“I got use to it.” Mei-Mei smiled, then frowned at once.
“What do you mean by ‘use to'?” I started to be nervous.
Look at me like that, Mei-Mei diastolic opened her wrinkled brows, seemed to enjoy it. But that was only a moment of revealing, with a comforting tone she said to me “nothing to be worried about. I will not bring you any trouble.” Seeing me was still meditating, Mei-Mei pushed me a little, stressed “I said don’t worry, I know what I want, and how to deal with it.”
I looked at her; found no words were good enough to praise her, for so many years. “Mei-Mei, I say, you are really, really a little , a little bit silly. I mean…”
“No need to explain, I know I am silly, not only silly, but very silly, a silly fool, not only a silly fool, but also ugly.” Mei-Mei said as she made a silly grimace, and then playfully “You remember the Lei Feng Diary? 'as long as we can serve you, I am willing to be a silly fool’.”
All Chinese people born in the 50s 60s even 70s, all would know Lei Feng’s quotation “serving the people, willing to be people's fool.” If Lei Feng story was true, that he was willing to be a fool to serve the people, he must have a deep and true love for the people. But when Mei-Mei says she would like be my fool, what kind of feeling towards me was inside her? I stared at her, “the silly ugly fool”, felt she was rather pretty…
To be continued
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